It’s Warm Out, And What That Means For You And Your Cold Hearted Family

Heat is on the rise. But what does that mean for you, the kids, and your wife, Debra?

This summer is going to be a big one. It’s your 20th anniversary with big D, the oldest child is turning 18, and the good old Cubbies are back after winning the World Series, baby! Your number one concern is making it through the summer without missing a single Cubs game, but when have your hopes and dreams ever mattered to your selfish family?

And wow! What about this heat?

This upward spike in temperature will afford you the one thing in life that your family will never take from you: mow-time. That’s right, for at least an hour a day, one day a week, you get to enjoy the singular voice within your head while also listening to the sweet sweet DRRRRRRR of your beloved lawnmower. This is your special golden day.

Extra golden with all this dang heat!

Your youngest child and the only recipient of your unconditional love has been asking for a trampoline day and night. Debra thinks it’s a safety hazard, but you’re 100% confident you can still nail a 3 1⁄2 twisting front somersault without breaking a sweat, let alone your neck. With both you and your most prized possession begging for that trampoline, Debra’s sure to give in.

Trampolines love this scorching heat, Debra!

This rise in heat directly correlates with your middle child’s practice of Theistic Satanism. While you’re an avid Christian, you know better than to mess with that Devil worship. The best you can do is hide the knives, burn the Harry Potter books, and offer verbal support when necessary.

The end-days is here!! It’s Satan’s balls outside!

You don’t even have to worry about the oldest child because you haven’t seen them in months. This inspiring development of youth independence is concerning to Debra, but you just see it as one less mouth to feed between you and the rest of your awful family.

And hey, at least you’ve got those Cubbies!

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